haystacks

Today I went to the art museum with an old dear friend.
Monet's haystacks looked like gumdrops to me - I felt guilty because I was supposed to be thinking about how brilliant the man was.
I got to thinking - did Monet paint to be known or did he paint because he had to.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in being known - making my mark - ie when I leave will my presence be missed?
Most people share this obsession - likeablity - legacy - what to do on Friday night -
will anyone call? Is what we do important - does it make an impact - is "it" enough?

Monet probably painted because he had to -- get it out of him - he was driven to release
Not because he wanted people to like him - but because it was his air.

And yet - Eduard made a huge mark - left a legacy- transformed a culture.

Isn't that what we should desire:
above all else to have this burning need to get what is inside of us out -
to just be to the fullest extent of our beings - and not care about how it sounds or looks or tastes or smells - or that it was important - or brilliant in other's eyes.
Rather we should care that we got it out and that purging stepped us closer
to understanding what filled us.

To knowing what Christ sees in us.

2:30AM

So exhausted. Laying in bed trying to fall asleep. First I try to relax every muscle in my body, but my mind cannot focus on that task. I read for a while. Thinking I am ready to fall asleep, I try again - however no falling occurs.
I just want to rest!
SO here I am sitting at the computer. Thoughts are coursing through my head, and while I know that none of those thoughts can truely be satisfied until dawn my mind persistes in the torture. In less than 35 days the next chapter of my life begins.
I am so excited
I cannot sleep