The Tree 2009

Christmastime

Wow my last entry was in October. I thought I was doing better about this.
I am happy to be staying put in Dublin for Christmas this year. Things are a bit less hectic here in the season, and we can decorate our apartment with out worrying about how they will look when we get back. Also the office building next door, which is also our landlord, put up a giant waving santa in front of our apartment - Score! right? I know!
We haven't yet decorated our apartment, partially because the grocery store hasn't yet put out their trees in pots that we will buy one of. When we do I'll post a picture.
Happy Christmas!

guilty

So I've been dealing with feeling guilty alot lately. Not just cause I used the word alot in writing. The guilt is not the prevailing thing in my mind but it sneaks up on me when I am not prepared to deal with it. Its a weird guilt - I know that the Lord is my savior and he counts me pure and blameless, that I don't need to prove that I am good enough or have to do anything. And the guilt isn't just about faith things. Its over things I did 10 years ago as well. Is this what is called having a noisy conscience? Or do I have alot of repenting and changing that needs done?

Hope Floats is a phrase that has been banging in around my head. Not the movie which I have never seen and don't really remember what it was about - Julia Roberts and divorce or country western singer decides to make a movie? I might have seen that one but have blocked it from my memory.
Anyway - Hope Floats, so does that mean worry sinks?
is worry the opposite of hope? What about guilt or fear being opposites?

Sometimes I think just wait till I have kids then I'll have great things to blog about.

There are shining moments in my history that I can look at and see that I had hope. Right now I am not completely devoid of hope - its just hard to ... feel or ... remember it.
Hoping is different than planning. Planning, for me, is trying to control the crazy wiggly life we are leading. Hoping is, not going out there blind, but letting go of the fear, worry, guilt of what could be. Its like I plan to ensure that I have hope.

That's just silly.

Petering

Just wondering is petering or to peter out have anything to do with the apostle Peter? Dictionary.com did not have an origin.
It's 3:11 am and I cannot stop thinking - thoughts tie me to the alert. Presently: I always thought to peter or to be petering was like being in the middle of a see-saw - indecision. Apparently petering is to deminish slowly and stop, or to tire.

Either way I am petering.
And in this near delierious state I think I may even be Petering (as in apostle Peter - ing).

• I have learnt more about having patience this past year than in the whole sum of my life and yet I lack it still.
• Hope teases me dancing in and out of my heart on a day to day some times minute to minute basis.
• Have I become what I never wanted to? What did I never want to become?

Settled?
willing to Settle?
Just resigned to petering?

Hopeless reflections - hopefully morning will bring hope.

I'm so witty.

Going to be alright

Last night we went to a good bye party for the team that I worked on when I first came to Ireland. I had had a pretty extroverted week and was not particularly looking forward to continuing to be around people. That being said, I had an amazing time. Where a party normally is exhausting with small talk I actually had some really refreshing conversations with people.
Conversations that left me open and hopeful. We spoke of creative things and were able to encourage each other. Mark and I ended up leaving the party at the close and got home after 1 am.
That is crazy when I think that we were thinking at the beginning to just make an appearance.
This morning I am inspired.
Not so much to write a children's talk on ps 139, but to take a step towards being open vulnerable and creative. This is something that in the past few years I have avoided.
I am greatfull for my conversations last night.
I hope I don't close up too quickly.

Moving House

On Friday and Saturday we are 'planning' to move house. Well apartments. For the 3rd time in 21 months. Which brings me to the point that I would really like something to control right now. Something concrete, that follows rules and obeys order.
When I say 'planning' I mean that we need to move but we are not aware as to where we will be moving to.
Yes that is in 3 or 4 days.

a list to waste time

• Someday I want to have a really cool blog about my life and family.
• Right now I just use this blog to vent. Like for example - it's 4:25 and I am so ready to leave work, but instead of leaving, I am doing this because I can't leave.
• Someday I'll have a job that I can leave if I am done and don't have anything to do.
• Someday I will pursue beauty - again
• In March I'm getting my hair cut - that's nice.
• I'm taking every Friday off between now and when my contract expires on the 3rd April.
• I can't decide if I should keep my hair red or go natural.
• Mark turns 30 in less than a month, I don't know what to get him.
• My parents are coming for a visit the first time for my Dad and the first time since we were married for my Mom. I'm worried they won't like it and never want to come back.
• We might move because our apartment is too expensive but really convenient, new, and a good place to host people. I will be sad if we do.
• In Ireland people put only one space after sentences instead of two like in America. I'm like who cares! but I do put just one now.
• Its now 4:33 and I am nearing the time that I can sneak out early.
• Actually the only other person in the office is a volunteer, who doesn't care if I leave early.
• I did alot of work to day but now I just want to go home.
• Someday in the near future I will turn 30. I would like a vat full of liquid chocolate that I can bathe in and eat. don't think too much about that its gross if you do.

bye bye for now

k

On that Day

My home group has been studying Zachariah - we finally go to the end of it - the last 3 chapters have this repeated theme of 'On that Day'. I can't wait for that day to come, but my bigger problem is that I need to live and focus on this day, not that day. My husband is so grounded, I am so not, I am constantly trying to pull him faster into the future and he is continually trying to slow me down to the present.
I need hope for today because I've got pleanty of hope for tomorrow, but I don't live in tomorrow.

Thursday

These days I am up and down in hope. Sometimes hope comes like a lighting bolt, other times it ignores me like a jealous ten year old. I am really good at rallying hope for others, but rather bleak when it comes to believing that things will be alright for me.

Right now I wonder what it means to have Vision, and what it means to be married to a man who doesn't think having a favorite color is important.