crap

I am sitting here working a job that I hate and hoping that my boss finally lets me know that he will take me on full time. Yes I want to work a job that I hate full time.
Last night as I lay in bed dreading another Monday I thought of the pride my mother had on the phone that day at my excellent administrative skills. I hate administration. It was never my intention to be good at it or work in it.

How did I get so far away from anything that I had planned to do when the world was shinny and new to me?
How did I end up wanting a job that I know I will hate? Is security that important?
The thing is I've told myself that this is just for a little while so that we can go to gradschool.

The suck thing is how do I realistically think that I am going to support my husband while he is in school?
With another shit admin job that is how.

And ontop of that he won't let me smoke.

Moved House

This is the view from our new apartment.
there is actually a crane on either side of our building.
Mark has seen so many rainbows he doesn't care about them, but I still think they're great.


This was our last apartment. It was sad to leave but our new place is much nicer.

A new day

The sun is out today so that is nice. Our balcony has high frosted glass walls so the wind stays out but the sun comes in. I sat out for a bit and read my book. I really only read it once a week on a Sunday. I go to church on Saturday night so Sundays are really restful. Mark is taking a shower and then we are going to go for a walk. I am hoping when we get back the magic cleaning fairies will have worked cause our apartment is a mess.

I don't know

I have this week in between. I finished my temp job and have a permanent job starting on Monday.
For the first time in quite likely 2+ years I have what seems right now to be job stability.
The clock isn't going to run out on this job like MAP.
I think I am going to love this job - which might be the first time in ages.
And I have no pending changes - which means I can latch on to this job and dig in.
So what do I do this week?
For the first time in a long time I don't have to feel guilty about what I am or am not doing, or getting done, or whether or not I am hoping in good things or trusting.
Why is it that for believers in Christ the job search is such a guilt issue? How do we look for a job, deal with rejection, and wait on the timing of the Lord - with HOPE? How deeply is God involved in our daily lives? (Big question for this thing) How much do we want him in our lives. If we don't get a job is it really because He has something better out there?
I have had my share of totally crap jobs - does that mean God wanted me to have them? Were they God's best for me? What does that say about me?
And in the case of employment in the Christian sector - 2 Christians up for a totally stellar job -
how does that work?

Anyway - good luck - it has nothing to do with luck - but with this God that we are to hope and trust in.

New Everything!

Have you ever had a paradigm shift in your sleep? This week, Monday- Wednesday were so sleep less that last night I slept so wonderfully sound. I woke up this morning feeling - changed. Not just renewed. Changed. Not really sure what that's all about.

I feel like I finally have my head above water after the preceding months of fruit basket upset. And on Monday I start a job and the basket goes tumbling over again.

Trust is a slow built thing.